sleep training is not for the faint of heart

as with all sleep transitions my daughter has gone through - being swaddled, being unswaddled, being sung to, rocked, bathed, then massaged (not in this order!), we have followed her cue and have tried something new when the old tricks stopped working. or more accurately, when the old tricks started to frustrate her to no end.

peanut is now a year old. she has gone in and out of routines, and in and out of short bursts of good sleeping. i'd say in general though, sleeping has always been an issue with her.

for the last couple of months until about a week ago, i would give her a bath, wrap her up in a nice thick towel and have a big hug and sing a song, change her into new diaper and jammies, breastfeed her and then put her down. sometimes after a bit of a drink she'd even point to the crib "asking" me to put her down. at any rate, she'd soon be asleep, and if she wasn't i or my husband would pick her up and sing to her a bit, and put her down again. and off she'd go... until she'd wake up a few hours later for a feed and and snuggle, and i'd curse myself for not having done anything about this sleep thing yet. i can't be up every couple or few hours any more! i'm falling apart! my hair is grey! this has been going on for a year for god's sake!

about a week ago, she started to resist sleep again altogether. the old routine didn;t work. in fact, my husband's or my presence seemed to frustrate her even more. we tried to do the gentle "cry it out" simply because it seemed more our speed, more assuring, less traumatizing for her (and for us!) she didn't want this. she'd cry even harder. finally, at the end of my rope, through a big yawn i told my husband that i can't live like this anymore. though the last thing i want to do is let her "cry it out", i really can't think of another solution. and so last night, poor peanut cried it out, and successfully put herself to sleep after an hour and a half. (this is a shorter crying period than what we were facing previously). she woke up at 5:30am for a feed, i fed her and put her back in her crib. i thought she'd just drift off with milk in her belly, but up she got, lungs full blast. i'm crying as i write this! it's killing me! but she did get to sleep on her own again, and in a shorter amount of time.

now today, naps have been another story. she hasn't had one yet... i broke down and retrieved her from her crib for a nap this morning because two hours were rolling around and i just couldn't take it anymore. now we're trying it again... and guess what my soundtrack is this very moment. my nerves are shot. all i can think of is the massage i'm going to need after this episode.

anyway, everyone says this is going to get easier and it's an amazingly valuable lesson for peanut. she needs to learn to self soothe, and she needs to learn to sleep through the night. my doctor has been telling me this for a long time. psychologists say that children are not traumatized by sleep training. and truly, peanut was happy as ever this morning after two bouts of it. but when i "saved her" this morning from her nap, she refused to leave my arms. she ate her lunch in my arms, when i read her books, she snuggled into me, if i broke our physical connection for but a moment, she'd cry. perhaps "saving her" was the worst thing i could have done. because now she thinks i'll do it again. consistency is important. i just don't know how i'm going to be strong enough to do this.

so far the strength comes from telling myself that this is good for her, that there is no other solution we could come up with, that the whole family needs to sleep... but meanwhile, back in reality, my heart is broken for feeling as though i've broken her heart.

A letter Regarding SLEEP ISSUES that I will never send... (a rant, a kvetch!)

dear i,

the last three nights have been rough on this mama. our little bundle of cuteness has been waking up every 45 minutes or so. i get up to soothe her back to sleep (without the boob as i am weaning her from night feeds), which means i'm standing up with her in my arms bouncing her up and down for a half an hour, humming the itsy bitsy spider over and over again until she reaches for the crib, when i finally lay her down for another 45 minute sleep, only to be awoken again to go through it all again. she's getting new teeth, but she's also just excited that she can stand in her crib by herself. she calls out to me to come and see, and if i don't come she gets scared that she's alone and cries. keeping my head about encouraging her to explore and feel confident in her new tricks, as well as trying to not stimulate her through the night and encourage sleep has been hard. and i'm doing it all alone.

while all this has been going on, you have been sleeping in the basement again. and while it doesn't make any sense for both of us to be up through all this, i'm still feeling angry. i'm angry when in the morning after you take her for a couple of hours so that i can have at least 2 hours of sleep under my belt to get through the day, when i thank you and take the baby, you feel the need to let me know you didn't sleep well either. and the way you put it bothers me. you say "if it makes you feel any better, i didn't sleep well either". ummm, no, it doesn't make me feel any better. and stating 'if it makes me feel any better' i feel is a passive aggressive way of being competitive in the woe is me department. i'm not too happy about it. i don't want to complain. i don't want to be tired, and i don't want you to be either. so why would it make me feel better? it would make me feel better if in the middle of the night you showed up and said, 'hey my love, why don't i take over with the baby so you can get some sleep'. it would make me feel better if you didn't complain about your own lack of sleep and you just simply recognized mine. it would make me feel better if you even did feel the need to complain by stating that you see that it's quite different when i'm being woken up by a dependent little being throughout the night who i have to get up for, who i have to put my own needs aside for, compared to when you are having trouble sleeping for your own reasons, and are frustrated staring at the ceiling (but are still comfortable lying down in your bed with the blanket over you).

what bothers me most is that you always make a stink about passive aggressive behavior but don't see it in yourself. we're both tired for entirely different reasons. i guess i would just like to hear you say that you think i'm doing a good job, that the giving on my part is so huge and that you appreciate that i'm doing it. i dunno what would make me feel better. i just need to get this out. i'm frustrated and feeling like a single mom in nighttime parenting. and yet you continue to ask me for my sympathy... and massages. i honestly am to tired and worn out to give anything right now and i wish you could see that and RESPECT it.