a couple of weeks ago, i started writing the post below but got interrupted by something or other. i think it's an important personal issue that nobody seems to talk about. important enough that i am resurrecting and finishing it now. i hope that if there are any readers out there going through something similar, or different but still intense, that you will leave a comment.
"uggh... i woke up this morning to a yucky surprise. it's been nearly two years with no menstrual cycle. i had grown accustomed to not having to think about pads, tampons or menstrual cups. i had expected this nuisance to return to my life along with the cramps, the irritability, the stained underwear. what i didn't expect to come along with my postpartum period is a general sense of grieving my self as a fresh new mother whose body is working completely for my new baby, to produce milk, to keep me from having another child to care for, to be hormonally in tune with her. i didn't realize that it would be so emotional."
it seemed to take quite a bit of time for me to grieve my old pre-mom self. i missed and still miss the independence of being without a child, doing as i please without the various reminders, like engorgement for instance, telling me there is a tiny little being i need to get home for. but all in all, i'm loving being a mother. i wouldn't trade it for anything. and there's something about the intimacy of being the mother of an infant, the breastfeeding, the connectedness that i guess i'm facing a near future departure of.
as peanut grows older, she becomes more independent, and my body is slowly finding it's way back to its old state. a reproducing state! maybe i'm emotional about it because i don't feel nearly ready to try for a second child yet, though my body is saying i should be ready for it. mentally, i'm a million miles away. i'm still at home with my baby. she just turned one and i'm wondering how i could possibly go back to work full time right now, as most women (in canada) do. i guess i'm being a bit hard on myself for not transitioning well from one stage to the next.
getting my cycle back is not something i had looked forward to, but i simply thought it would be a nuisance, rather than an emotional milestone in a new mother's life.
Showing posts with label one year old. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one year old. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Oatmeal and Flax Whole Wheat Bread
so christmas came early this year! (i don't actually celebrate christmas, but it feels like what i imagine christmas to be right now...) -and i needed a little bit of christmas after what i'd been thinking about re: my last post. i splurged on a new bread machine! i love to make fresh bread, but being the mother of a one year old, i am far too scattered, tired and busy to keep my eye on rising dough. so, first i bought a crappy machine on craig's list, and then resold it because it sounded like a tornado was lifting our house out of the ground. plus it made crap bread. i knew i wanted a good one and that i'd use it a lot. so i went for the creme de la creme: the zojirushi bbcc x20. it's amazing. i'm in love!
i'm particularly enthralled with the idea of making my own bread because it's an easy snack for my babe (or part of a meal). I don't feel good about giving her store bought bread - have you read the list of ingredients on that stuff?! i KNOW what goes into my bread. i know it's healthy. no funny oils and preservatives. she loves the stuff, and i feel great about giving it to her. this morning we shared a piece of home made toast with natural peanut butter and banana slices on it, and she couldn't get enough.
my first loaf was adapted from one of zojirushi's recipes (i can never follow a recipe, always have to add my own touch)... but it turned out beautifully.
Bobcat's Oatmeal and Flax Whole Wheat Bread (can be adapted for the real bakers too!)
1 7/8 cups water
4 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup bread flour
3 tbsp. cane sugar
2 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. butter
2 tsp. active dry yeast
1/4 cup oats
2 tbsp. flax seeds
(Basic Wheat Setting on the Zojirushi Machine)
enjoy...
i'm particularly enthralled with the idea of making my own bread because it's an easy snack for my babe (or part of a meal). I don't feel good about giving her store bought bread - have you read the list of ingredients on that stuff?! i KNOW what goes into my bread. i know it's healthy. no funny oils and preservatives. she loves the stuff, and i feel great about giving it to her. this morning we shared a piece of home made toast with natural peanut butter and banana slices on it, and she couldn't get enough.
my first loaf was adapted from one of zojirushi's recipes (i can never follow a recipe, always have to add my own touch)... but it turned out beautifully.
Bobcat's Oatmeal and Flax Whole Wheat Bread (can be adapted for the real bakers too!)
1 7/8 cups water
4 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup bread flour
3 tbsp. cane sugar
2 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. butter
2 tsp. active dry yeast
1/4 cup oats
2 tbsp. flax seeds
(Basic Wheat Setting on the Zojirushi Machine)
enjoy...
Monday, September 28, 2009
sleep training is not for the faint of heart
as with all sleep transitions my daughter has gone through - being swaddled, being unswaddled, being sung to, rocked, bathed, then massaged (not in this order!), we have followed her cue and have tried something new when the old tricks stopped working. or more accurately, when the old tricks started to frustrate her to no end.
peanut is now a year old. she has gone in and out of routines, and in and out of short bursts of good sleeping. i'd say in general though, sleeping has always been an issue with her.
for the last couple of months until about a week ago, i would give her a bath, wrap her up in a nice thick towel and have a big hug and sing a song, change her into new diaper and jammies, breastfeed her and then put her down. sometimes after a bit of a drink she'd even point to the crib "asking" me to put her down. at any rate, she'd soon be asleep, and if she wasn't i or my husband would pick her up and sing to her a bit, and put her down again. and off she'd go... until she'd wake up a few hours later for a feed and and snuggle, and i'd curse myself for not having done anything about this sleep thing yet. i can't be up every couple or few hours any more! i'm falling apart! my hair is grey! this has been going on for a year for god's sake!
about a week ago, she started to resist sleep again altogether. the old routine didn;t work. in fact, my husband's or my presence seemed to frustrate her even more. we tried to do the gentle "cry it out" simply because it seemed more our speed, more assuring, less traumatizing for her (and for us!) she didn't want this. she'd cry even harder. finally, at the end of my rope, through a big yawn i told my husband that i can't live like this anymore. though the last thing i want to do is let her "cry it out", i really can't think of another solution. and so last night, poor peanut cried it out, and successfully put herself to sleep after an hour and a half. (this is a shorter crying period than what we were facing previously). she woke up at 5:30am for a feed, i fed her and put her back in her crib. i thought she'd just drift off with milk in her belly, but up she got, lungs full blast. i'm crying as i write this! it's killing me! but she did get to sleep on her own again, and in a shorter amount of time.
now today, naps have been another story. she hasn't had one yet... i broke down and retrieved her from her crib for a nap this morning because two hours were rolling around and i just couldn't take it anymore. now we're trying it again... and guess what my soundtrack is this very moment. my nerves are shot. all i can think of is the massage i'm going to need after this episode.
anyway, everyone says this is going to get easier and it's an amazingly valuable lesson for peanut. she needs to learn to self soothe, and she needs to learn to sleep through the night. my doctor has been telling me this for a long time. psychologists say that children are not traumatized by sleep training. and truly, peanut was happy as ever this morning after two bouts of it. but when i "saved her" this morning from her nap, she refused to leave my arms. she ate her lunch in my arms, when i read her books, she snuggled into me, if i broke our physical connection for but a moment, she'd cry. perhaps "saving her" was the worst thing i could have done. because now she thinks i'll do it again. consistency is important. i just don't know how i'm going to be strong enough to do this.
so far the strength comes from telling myself that this is good for her, that there is no other solution we could come up with, that the whole family needs to sleep... but meanwhile, back in reality, my heart is broken for feeling as though i've broken her heart.
peanut is now a year old. she has gone in and out of routines, and in and out of short bursts of good sleeping. i'd say in general though, sleeping has always been an issue with her.
for the last couple of months until about a week ago, i would give her a bath, wrap her up in a nice thick towel and have a big hug and sing a song, change her into new diaper and jammies, breastfeed her and then put her down. sometimes after a bit of a drink she'd even point to the crib "asking" me to put her down. at any rate, she'd soon be asleep, and if she wasn't i or my husband would pick her up and sing to her a bit, and put her down again. and off she'd go... until she'd wake up a few hours later for a feed and and snuggle, and i'd curse myself for not having done anything about this sleep thing yet. i can't be up every couple or few hours any more! i'm falling apart! my hair is grey! this has been going on for a year for god's sake!
about a week ago, she started to resist sleep again altogether. the old routine didn;t work. in fact, my husband's or my presence seemed to frustrate her even more. we tried to do the gentle "cry it out" simply because it seemed more our speed, more assuring, less traumatizing for her (and for us!) she didn't want this. she'd cry even harder. finally, at the end of my rope, through a big yawn i told my husband that i can't live like this anymore. though the last thing i want to do is let her "cry it out", i really can't think of another solution. and so last night, poor peanut cried it out, and successfully put herself to sleep after an hour and a half. (this is a shorter crying period than what we were facing previously). she woke up at 5:30am for a feed, i fed her and put her back in her crib. i thought she'd just drift off with milk in her belly, but up she got, lungs full blast. i'm crying as i write this! it's killing me! but she did get to sleep on her own again, and in a shorter amount of time.
now today, naps have been another story. she hasn't had one yet... i broke down and retrieved her from her crib for a nap this morning because two hours were rolling around and i just couldn't take it anymore. now we're trying it again... and guess what my soundtrack is this very moment. my nerves are shot. all i can think of is the massage i'm going to need after this episode.
anyway, everyone says this is going to get easier and it's an amazingly valuable lesson for peanut. she needs to learn to self soothe, and she needs to learn to sleep through the night. my doctor has been telling me this for a long time. psychologists say that children are not traumatized by sleep training. and truly, peanut was happy as ever this morning after two bouts of it. but when i "saved her" this morning from her nap, she refused to leave my arms. she ate her lunch in my arms, when i read her books, she snuggled into me, if i broke our physical connection for but a moment, she'd cry. perhaps "saving her" was the worst thing i could have done. because now she thinks i'll do it again. consistency is important. i just don't know how i'm going to be strong enough to do this.
so far the strength comes from telling myself that this is good for her, that there is no other solution we could come up with, that the whole family needs to sleep... but meanwhile, back in reality, my heart is broken for feeling as though i've broken her heart.
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