Marathon Nursing

My daughter is 14 months old and still has no interest in drinking from anything other than me. While I have been a committed breast-feeder, and never imagined I'd have weaned her at this age, I'm having some issues with how it's taking its toll.

I am one of these women who seems to hang on to 10 or so extra pounds of blubber while nursing. (At least I'm hoping that is the culprit!) I eat well, I exercise regularly, and I have always been slim and healthy. In fact, I have had more issues in the past with keeping weight on than the other way around. So while I indulged in a few extra cups of heavenly gelato during my pregnancy, I really didn't go overboard, and feel that this fatty layer hanging on me isn't making sense. I gained about 25 -30 pounds, most of which was baby and water. And once all of that was gone, it seems as though at times I breastfeed more (when my daughter is sick, or having a growth spurt, etc.) the more jiggly I become. And when we're finally having some luck with the sippy cup, and I'm not forced to be the full time milk-machine, I slim down.

I have tried so many different vessels to feed this kid from. We're talking every kind of straw cup, bottles, hard spouts, squishy spouts, plain old fashioned regular drinking cups, cups and bottles that look like breasts, feel like breasts, cups with the coolest most colourful illustrations, plain cups, etc. I could go on and on. We have quite the collection, and she's not interested in it at all.

And not only have I tried every vessel under the sun, I have tried every juice, milk, smoothie concoction as well. The kid knows what she wants.

So aside from my thinking that I am never going to feel good about my body until I stop breastfeeding, I also can never stray very far and am feeling ready to embrace a bit more freedom in my life. And I can't forget to mention the fact that my nipples are cracked and blistered yet again. Aw, it takes me right back to the early days when my peanut was 6 and a half pounds and devouring my poor virgin breastfeeding nipples. Fond memories, I tell you!

So, this brings me to the subject of my feeling selfish in considering weaning. I feel as though my daughter will never drink from another source until she is presented with no other choice. I'm exhausted. I'm fat. I need a break!

I really would like to continue breastfeeding until she self weans, but it seems that this is a bit of an extreme breastfeeding scenario. I want to do the right thing. I want to give her a sense of security in making the decision herself as to when she's ready to move on from this cuddly feeding relationship. Plus it's winter here, we all just got over H1N1, and I'm sure other flu's and colds will make their way through our systems this season. When she's sick, breast milk is the best thing for her. I am convinced that she would have ended up in the hospital with H1N1 had it not been for breastmilk. She wouldn't eat anything else.

Having said all this, and with all of these feelings of guilt and fear of being a bad mother, should I assume that I am just as not ready as my daughter is to wean?

my first post-partum period

a couple of weeks ago, i started writing the post below but got interrupted by something or other. i think it's an important personal issue that nobody seems to talk about. important enough that i am resurrecting and finishing it now. i hope that if there are any readers out there going through something similar, or different but still intense, that you will leave a comment.

"uggh... i woke up this morning to a yucky surprise. it's been nearly two years with no menstrual cycle. i had grown accustomed to not having to think about pads, tampons or menstrual cups. i had expected this nuisance to return to my life along with the cramps, the irritability, the stained underwear. what i didn't expect to come along with my postpartum period is a general sense of grieving my self as a fresh new mother whose body is working completely for my new baby, to produce milk, to keep me from having another child to care for, to be hormonally in tune with her. i didn't realize that it would be so emotional."

it seemed to take quite a bit of time for me to grieve my old pre-mom self. i missed and still miss the independence of being without a child, doing as i please without the various reminders, like engorgement for instance, telling me there is a tiny little being i need to get home for. but all in all, i'm loving being a mother. i wouldn't trade it for anything. and there's something about the intimacy of being the mother of an infant, the breastfeeding, the connectedness that i guess i'm facing a near future departure of.

as peanut grows older, she becomes more independent, and my body is slowly finding it's way back to its old state. a reproducing state! maybe i'm emotional about it because i don't feel nearly ready to try for a second child yet, though my body is saying i should be ready for it. mentally, i'm a million miles away. i'm still at home with my baby. she just turned one and i'm wondering how i could possibly go back to work full time right now, as most women (in canada) do. i guess i'm being a bit hard on myself for not transitioning well from one stage to the next.

getting my cycle back is not something i had looked forward to, but i simply thought it would be a nuisance, rather than an emotional milestone in a new mother's life.

breastfeeding my toddler

my friend s just posted this great bit on breastfeeding her toddler, which inspired me to write on the topic as well.

i've always thought that i'd want to breastfeed as long as my daughter wanted to. i love breastfeeding her, and i love knowing that she's getting the best food there is. the past couple of weeks i've wondered whether i should start weaning her. her pediatrician says that she's the kind of kid who will need to be weaned, that she probably won't self wean until she's old enough to be "embarrassed" by it. (doc said this simply because of how much and often peanut feeds, given her age. she shows no signs of slowing down.) i don't know how much i believe that, but it sure seems that these days, she wants the boob more than i'd expected her to at this stage. i keep saying she must be going through a growth spurt, but perhaps she's just needing extra loving and comfort these days as she's being sleep trained. all i can say is that if i let her nurse as much as she wants to, we would do nothing else all day. i have to pull her off in order to get her to stop, and i've let her feed for close to an hour several times this week - to the point where i am completely empty and dehydrated. ridiculous!

i told my husband today that i really can't think of weaning right now because i feel that she needs the security it gives her during this time. considering weaning her previously was more about getting some freedom back, shedding the last 10 pounds, not having my nipples chewed on, and reclaiming my body. the reclaiming my body part seems to have a lot to do with some difficult things i'm facing in my personal life. i want to TRY to feel sexual again. i've had a horrible time of that since giving birth. it's becoming a bit easier, but i still have some pain. i just want my hormones to go back to normal so that i can feel myself again. i also feel so lacking in energy and feel particularly tired when breastfeeding a lot. but then i feel guilty. i feel that she needs me. i want to nourish and nurture her. breastmilk is amazing stuff. a miracle really.

i have recently experience a couple of incidents where people were taken aback to learn or see that i still breastfeed my one year old. that my toothy grinned toddler crawls up to my lap, and snuggles in for a bit of shookie. "you're still breastfeeding her?", they ask. and rather than feeling pressure to stop, it actually makes me want to stick to my guns and keep on keeping on. i believe in it. what's not to believe in? it's nature at its finest.

for now, i'm breastfeeding a toddler, and will continue to do so until her sleep becomes a bit more normal, and until this clingy, booby focused stage passes. whatever it's about, i don't want to push her away. breastfeeding is not just about the nourishment, but also security. i want her to feel secure always. i feel that if i hang on just a little longer, she will self wean, and will feel secure in that transition because she was the one who took the lead.

meanwhile, i'm exhausted as ever and dream of the day when i'm free of this. (funny, because i actually love our breastfeeding relationship.) and i know that when it's over and she continues to grow more and more independent each day, that i will miss her being my cuddly little peanut.

A letter Regarding SLEEP ISSUES that I will never send... (a rant, a kvetch!)

dear i,

the last three nights have been rough on this mama. our little bundle of cuteness has been waking up every 45 minutes or so. i get up to soothe her back to sleep (without the boob as i am weaning her from night feeds), which means i'm standing up with her in my arms bouncing her up and down for a half an hour, humming the itsy bitsy spider over and over again until she reaches for the crib, when i finally lay her down for another 45 minute sleep, only to be awoken again to go through it all again. she's getting new teeth, but she's also just excited that she can stand in her crib by herself. she calls out to me to come and see, and if i don't come she gets scared that she's alone and cries. keeping my head about encouraging her to explore and feel confident in her new tricks, as well as trying to not stimulate her through the night and encourage sleep has been hard. and i'm doing it all alone.

while all this has been going on, you have been sleeping in the basement again. and while it doesn't make any sense for both of us to be up through all this, i'm still feeling angry. i'm angry when in the morning after you take her for a couple of hours so that i can have at least 2 hours of sleep under my belt to get through the day, when i thank you and take the baby, you feel the need to let me know you didn't sleep well either. and the way you put it bothers me. you say "if it makes you feel any better, i didn't sleep well either". ummm, no, it doesn't make me feel any better. and stating 'if it makes me feel any better' i feel is a passive aggressive way of being competitive in the woe is me department. i'm not too happy about it. i don't want to complain. i don't want to be tired, and i don't want you to be either. so why would it make me feel better? it would make me feel better if in the middle of the night you showed up and said, 'hey my love, why don't i take over with the baby so you can get some sleep'. it would make me feel better if you didn't complain about your own lack of sleep and you just simply recognized mine. it would make me feel better if you even did feel the need to complain by stating that you see that it's quite different when i'm being woken up by a dependent little being throughout the night who i have to get up for, who i have to put my own needs aside for, compared to when you are having trouble sleeping for your own reasons, and are frustrated staring at the ceiling (but are still comfortable lying down in your bed with the blanket over you).

what bothers me most is that you always make a stink about passive aggressive behavior but don't see it in yourself. we're both tired for entirely different reasons. i guess i would just like to hear you say that you think i'm doing a good job, that the giving on my part is so huge and that you appreciate that i'm doing it. i dunno what would make me feel better. i just need to get this out. i'm frustrated and feeling like a single mom in nighttime parenting. and yet you continue to ask me for my sympathy... and massages. i honestly am to tired and worn out to give anything right now and i wish you could see that and RESPECT it.