breastfeeding my toddler

my friend s just posted this great bit on breastfeeding her toddler, which inspired me to write on the topic as well.

i've always thought that i'd want to breastfeed as long as my daughter wanted to. i love breastfeeding her, and i love knowing that she's getting the best food there is. the past couple of weeks i've wondered whether i should start weaning her. her pediatrician says that she's the kind of kid who will need to be weaned, that she probably won't self wean until she's old enough to be "embarrassed" by it. (doc said this simply because of how much and often peanut feeds, given her age. she shows no signs of slowing down.) i don't know how much i believe that, but it sure seems that these days, she wants the boob more than i'd expected her to at this stage. i keep saying she must be going through a growth spurt, but perhaps she's just needing extra loving and comfort these days as she's being sleep trained. all i can say is that if i let her nurse as much as she wants to, we would do nothing else all day. i have to pull her off in order to get her to stop, and i've let her feed for close to an hour several times this week - to the point where i am completely empty and dehydrated. ridiculous!

i told my husband today that i really can't think of weaning right now because i feel that she needs the security it gives her during this time. considering weaning her previously was more about getting some freedom back, shedding the last 10 pounds, not having my nipples chewed on, and reclaiming my body. the reclaiming my body part seems to have a lot to do with some difficult things i'm facing in my personal life. i want to TRY to feel sexual again. i've had a horrible time of that since giving birth. it's becoming a bit easier, but i still have some pain. i just want my hormones to go back to normal so that i can feel myself again. i also feel so lacking in energy and feel particularly tired when breastfeeding a lot. but then i feel guilty. i feel that she needs me. i want to nourish and nurture her. breastmilk is amazing stuff. a miracle really.

i have recently experience a couple of incidents where people were taken aback to learn or see that i still breastfeed my one year old. that my toothy grinned toddler crawls up to my lap, and snuggles in for a bit of shookie. "you're still breastfeeding her?", they ask. and rather than feeling pressure to stop, it actually makes me want to stick to my guns and keep on keeping on. i believe in it. what's not to believe in? it's nature at its finest.

for now, i'm breastfeeding a toddler, and will continue to do so until her sleep becomes a bit more normal, and until this clingy, booby focused stage passes. whatever it's about, i don't want to push her away. breastfeeding is not just about the nourishment, but also security. i want her to feel secure always. i feel that if i hang on just a little longer, she will self wean, and will feel secure in that transition because she was the one who took the lead.

meanwhile, i'm exhausted as ever and dream of the day when i'm free of this. (funny, because i actually love our breastfeeding relationship.) and i know that when it's over and she continues to grow more and more independent each day, that i will miss her being my cuddly little peanut.