my first post-partum period

a couple of weeks ago, i started writing the post below but got interrupted by something or other. i think it's an important personal issue that nobody seems to talk about. important enough that i am resurrecting and finishing it now. i hope that if there are any readers out there going through something similar, or different but still intense, that you will leave a comment.

"uggh... i woke up this morning to a yucky surprise. it's been nearly two years with no menstrual cycle. i had grown accustomed to not having to think about pads, tampons or menstrual cups. i had expected this nuisance to return to my life along with the cramps, the irritability, the stained underwear. what i didn't expect to come along with my postpartum period is a general sense of grieving my self as a fresh new mother whose body is working completely for my new baby, to produce milk, to keep me from having another child to care for, to be hormonally in tune with her. i didn't realize that it would be so emotional."

it seemed to take quite a bit of time for me to grieve my old pre-mom self. i missed and still miss the independence of being without a child, doing as i please without the various reminders, like engorgement for instance, telling me there is a tiny little being i need to get home for. but all in all, i'm loving being a mother. i wouldn't trade it for anything. and there's something about the intimacy of being the mother of an infant, the breastfeeding, the connectedness that i guess i'm facing a near future departure of.

as peanut grows older, she becomes more independent, and my body is slowly finding it's way back to its old state. a reproducing state! maybe i'm emotional about it because i don't feel nearly ready to try for a second child yet, though my body is saying i should be ready for it. mentally, i'm a million miles away. i'm still at home with my baby. she just turned one and i'm wondering how i could possibly go back to work full time right now, as most women (in canada) do. i guess i'm being a bit hard on myself for not transitioning well from one stage to the next.

getting my cycle back is not something i had looked forward to, but i simply thought it would be a nuisance, rather than an emotional milestone in a new mother's life.