breastfeeding my toddler

my friend s just posted this great bit on breastfeeding her toddler, which inspired me to write on the topic as well.

i've always thought that i'd want to breastfeed as long as my daughter wanted to. i love breastfeeding her, and i love knowing that she's getting the best food there is. the past couple of weeks i've wondered whether i should start weaning her. her pediatrician says that she's the kind of kid who will need to be weaned, that she probably won't self wean until she's old enough to be "embarrassed" by it. (doc said this simply because of how much and often peanut feeds, given her age. she shows no signs of slowing down.) i don't know how much i believe that, but it sure seems that these days, she wants the boob more than i'd expected her to at this stage. i keep saying she must be going through a growth spurt, but perhaps she's just needing extra loving and comfort these days as she's being sleep trained. all i can say is that if i let her nurse as much as she wants to, we would do nothing else all day. i have to pull her off in order to get her to stop, and i've let her feed for close to an hour several times this week - to the point where i am completely empty and dehydrated. ridiculous!

i told my husband today that i really can't think of weaning right now because i feel that she needs the security it gives her during this time. considering weaning her previously was more about getting some freedom back, shedding the last 10 pounds, not having my nipples chewed on, and reclaiming my body. the reclaiming my body part seems to have a lot to do with some difficult things i'm facing in my personal life. i want to TRY to feel sexual again. i've had a horrible time of that since giving birth. it's becoming a bit easier, but i still have some pain. i just want my hormones to go back to normal so that i can feel myself again. i also feel so lacking in energy and feel particularly tired when breastfeeding a lot. but then i feel guilty. i feel that she needs me. i want to nourish and nurture her. breastmilk is amazing stuff. a miracle really.

i have recently experience a couple of incidents where people were taken aback to learn or see that i still breastfeed my one year old. that my toothy grinned toddler crawls up to my lap, and snuggles in for a bit of shookie. "you're still breastfeeding her?", they ask. and rather than feeling pressure to stop, it actually makes me want to stick to my guns and keep on keeping on. i believe in it. what's not to believe in? it's nature at its finest.

for now, i'm breastfeeding a toddler, and will continue to do so until her sleep becomes a bit more normal, and until this clingy, booby focused stage passes. whatever it's about, i don't want to push her away. breastfeeding is not just about the nourishment, but also security. i want her to feel secure always. i feel that if i hang on just a little longer, she will self wean, and will feel secure in that transition because she was the one who took the lead.

meanwhile, i'm exhausted as ever and dream of the day when i'm free of this. (funny, because i actually love our breastfeeding relationship.) and i know that when it's over and she continues to grow more and more independent each day, that i will miss her being my cuddly little peanut.

Oatmeal and Flax Whole Wheat Bread

so christmas came early this year! (i don't actually celebrate christmas, but it feels like what i imagine christmas to be right now...) -and i needed a little bit of christmas after what i'd been thinking about re: my last post. i splurged on a new bread machine! i love to make fresh bread, but being the mother of a one year old, i am far too scattered, tired and busy to keep my eye on rising dough. so, first i bought a crappy machine on craig's list, and then resold it because it sounded like a tornado was lifting our house out of the ground. plus it made crap bread. i knew i wanted a good one and that i'd use it a lot. so i went for the creme de la creme: the zojirushi bbcc x20. it's amazing. i'm in love!

i'm particularly enthralled with the idea of making my own bread because it's an easy snack for my babe (or part of a meal). I don't feel good about giving her store bought bread - have you read the list of ingredients on that stuff?! i KNOW what goes into my bread. i know it's healthy. no funny oils and preservatives. she loves the stuff, and i feel great about giving it to her. this morning we shared a piece of home made toast with natural peanut butter and banana slices on it, and she couldn't get enough.

my first loaf was adapted from one of zojirushi's recipes (i can never follow a recipe, always have to add my own touch)... but it turned out beautifully.

Bobcat's Oatmeal and Flax Whole Wheat Bread (can be adapted for the real bakers too!)

1 7/8 cups water
4 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup bread flour
3 tbsp. cane sugar
2 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. butter
2 tsp. active dry yeast
1/4 cup oats
2 tbsp. flax seeds

(Basic Wheat Setting on the Zojirushi Machine)

enjoy...

A letter Regarding SLEEP ISSUES that I will never send... (a rant, a kvetch!)

dear i,

the last three nights have been rough on this mama. our little bundle of cuteness has been waking up every 45 minutes or so. i get up to soothe her back to sleep (without the boob as i am weaning her from night feeds), which means i'm standing up with her in my arms bouncing her up and down for a half an hour, humming the itsy bitsy spider over and over again until she reaches for the crib, when i finally lay her down for another 45 minute sleep, only to be awoken again to go through it all again. she's getting new teeth, but she's also just excited that she can stand in her crib by herself. she calls out to me to come and see, and if i don't come she gets scared that she's alone and cries. keeping my head about encouraging her to explore and feel confident in her new tricks, as well as trying to not stimulate her through the night and encourage sleep has been hard. and i'm doing it all alone.

while all this has been going on, you have been sleeping in the basement again. and while it doesn't make any sense for both of us to be up through all this, i'm still feeling angry. i'm angry when in the morning after you take her for a couple of hours so that i can have at least 2 hours of sleep under my belt to get through the day, when i thank you and take the baby, you feel the need to let me know you didn't sleep well either. and the way you put it bothers me. you say "if it makes you feel any better, i didn't sleep well either". ummm, no, it doesn't make me feel any better. and stating 'if it makes me feel any better' i feel is a passive aggressive way of being competitive in the woe is me department. i'm not too happy about it. i don't want to complain. i don't want to be tired, and i don't want you to be either. so why would it make me feel better? it would make me feel better if in the middle of the night you showed up and said, 'hey my love, why don't i take over with the baby so you can get some sleep'. it would make me feel better if you didn't complain about your own lack of sleep and you just simply recognized mine. it would make me feel better if you even did feel the need to complain by stating that you see that it's quite different when i'm being woken up by a dependent little being throughout the night who i have to get up for, who i have to put my own needs aside for, compared to when you are having trouble sleeping for your own reasons, and are frustrated staring at the ceiling (but are still comfortable lying down in your bed with the blanket over you).

what bothers me most is that you always make a stink about passive aggressive behavior but don't see it in yourself. we're both tired for entirely different reasons. i guess i would just like to hear you say that you think i'm doing a good job, that the giving on my part is so huge and that you appreciate that i'm doing it. i dunno what would make me feel better. i just need to get this out. i'm frustrated and feeling like a single mom in nighttime parenting. and yet you continue to ask me for my sympathy... and massages. i honestly am to tired and worn out to give anything right now and i wish you could see that and RESPECT it.

to have or not to have, that is the question

today i witnessed my daughter's jealousy for the first time while i had another baby in my arms. later i mentioned to i (my husband), that it was interesting to see that, and that i guess we're in trouble when we have another baby. 'i' quickly stated that he didn't think having another would be a good idea for us - he didn't think our relationship would survive it. he didn't think it would be good for either of us individually. one baby is enough of a strain.

we had had a particularly difficult day with our baby girl. she's teething, she's not sleeping, she doesn't want to play on her own and only wants to be in our arms. she's going through some growing pains - yet another trying stage. i have accepted that this is what parenthood is about. and despite how hard it can be, it's the most rewarding thing i can imagine. i do want another. i don't wait my girl to grow up an only child. i want her to share her life with another kid. to share in general. i want a family - not a family that is so small that we can try to pretend it isn't there. i want birthday parties, celebration, creativity, craziness, and even the growing pains.

my husband clearly thinks that this is all too much. i often find myself frustrated with him for seeing the glass half empty. i feel as though he's hard on us as a couple. yes, we've had some tough times, but we also have always had a lot of good. i also have heard of many men saying for a while after the first one that they aren't interested in having another, but change their minds. i really don't know if that is the case with i. i sometimes wonder if he has the capacity at all to be happy. i've only seen moments of it, and it really scares me that it's never been sustained.

here i am, kvetching about his unhappiness while just a couple of days ago i wrote an entry about depression. but i think that even if i have a bit of a case of the blues, i still see the sun shining, listen to kids laughter, pleasure in cooking up a storm, being creative, smell the roses and let it all warm my heart.

the worst is that i feel that all of i's reasons for why things have been difficult are because of me: i got sick on our trip to india and the virus hung on for nearly a year, then my dad died, then i got pregnant and was sick through that, then the baby came and was colicky. it's all my fault. what about his extreme moodiness, his lack of flexibility, his inability to deal with change. what about his disappointment in his family, his struggle to feel good about himself and what he is doing in his life. there are so many things that he has been dealing with since i met him. and yet the things i have struggled through are the reasons why he is not happy.

i'm feeling so sad, angry, frustrated. hopeless really. i'm sad for my daughter, sad for me, sad for him. life is so hard. brutally hard sometimes. but so beautiful too. i think of parenthood and particularly the process of birthing to then beginning a life with your child as the epitome of the pain and beauty of life. it's so contrasting; black and white, pain and pleasure.