First Time Mom = Major Identity Crisis

I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought I was pretty secure in knowing who I am. As it turns out, I have taken the societal myth of the "Super Mom" quite seriously on a subconscious level. I feel that I have to be the best at everything, that I need to wow myself and the world at large by being a fantastic parent, housekeeper, cook, artist, designer, breadwinner, daughter, sister, friend, etc. The pressure I have put on myself since becoming a mother is unreal and unbearable.

I have a daughter that doesn't sleep. I am with her during the day, and am up with her through the nights often as well. (I have just started to wean her from her night feeds, so hopefully this will change soon! Please let it change soon!) For several months now, I have been working every moment that she sleeps. I have taken on contracts beyond what I feel to be reasonable, work my butt off to impress my clients, all so that I can feel as though I am not only a mother, but also surpassing clients expectations of a job well done.

What is bizarre about this is that I somehow have forgotten to pat myself on the back for a job well done as a parent. I'm not perfect by any means, but I know I am a thoughtful parent; that I try my very best to provide as much love, support, patience, stimulation and empathy I can muster for my daughter to thrive. As any mother knows, it is a full time job. Overtime, in fact. It's a job that I love. I adore my daughter and am so happy to be home with her, caring for her, watching her grow into a thinking individual. It's the most wonderful job I could imagine.

So why am I trying to prove to myself that I am so much more when being this I love? I guess I find it hard to drop my old identity. It's hard to stop seeing myself as being self sufficient - to admit that I am so stretched thin that I can't expect myself to make a good income right now. And if I am taking on work, I may not wow them every time.

I never realized how hard I am on myself until recently. I only really started to see it when it became so bad that it stopped making sense even to me. I couldn't justify my actions. I couldn't explain to myself how or why I was taking on more.

I've promised myself to break the pattern of this madness. I need to rely on my husband more and not feel terribly about it. I need to feel great about my new identity because it truly is a wonderful thing, and an important job. When new jobs present themselves I need to assess why I feel like taking it, if I feel pressure to do so - from within or otherwise. I need to keep my eye on the ball - the ball being my baby and my health. What am I teaching my little girl by running myself into the ground. I don't want her to follow this example. I want her to be happy, to enjoy life. And enjoy life she will!

In the last week with this identity crisis on the brain, a few great opportunities in my art career have come to fruition. I am now being represented by another gallery here in my city, was invited to exhibit in a group show that is pretty darned exclusive, and then another invitation to a group show as well. Doors are opening in the areas that are important to me. I don't want to be a business lady. If I have baby barf on my shoulder and paint on my hands, I'm all the happier.